Worse Than Creative Block
Do you think there is something worse than creative block? Because in my experience there is, and it is called ‘depression’. For the longest time, I have felt the need to create some artwork and write analytical articles about art but I feel unqualified to do any of those things even though I enjoy these things.
I have always been fond of art ever since childhood but to my family, art is just a waste of time, and the idea to pursue means to them that you will gain no monetary value for pursuing art. When I started high school I discovered photography and was in love with it, but again the dream of becoming a photographer was shot down by my family because I’ll be living from scraps according to them. Secretly behind their back, I enrolled in art schools in Connecticut and Puerto Rico, because those were the only places I knew the area, but it so happened that one of the letters from one of the art schools arrived when I was in class and my mom found it. Oh boy, did I get yelled at and punished after that letter and all they talked about was that if I couldn’t join a career such as engineering or anything related to medicine, I should join the military. After that everyone in my family really pushed me into joining the military and no matter how much I pleaded, I enlisted in 2013. All they said was that it was for my own good.
Four years later got medically discharged from severe depression and PTSD. My brain was and still is in shambles. Now at the age of 23 and out of the military, I decided to study diesel and marine mechanics because “that’s where the money’s at” and I hated it. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy working on engines and doing mechanical work but more like a hobby and not a career. After 3 years of education and working successfully for 6 months in a diesel shop, I quit and decided to move to Puerto Rico and give it a go-to studying art but there was a problem.
Almost no university wanted to accept me because my SAT scores were old and needed to retake the exam again. Two years have gone by and the only university that accepted me couldn’t get me into the art school because I didn’t have a portfolio, which was required to enter, but I could study photography as a minor in a journalist degree. That was the closest I could get to anything related to art.
Now entering my second year in college, that is where I learned about the philosophy of art, and let me tell you, it was love at first sight. I wanted to change my career to a major in philosophy and specialize in the philosophy of art but my girlfriend at the time, now wife, wasn’t too fond of the idea. That’s when I realized that my family didn’t let me study art because they hated art but the idea of studying art or anything related to social studies was considered ‘a waste of time’ culturally and almost everyone here believes that those subjects are not worth learning.
Unfortunately, the pandemic hit, and I was unable to continue my studies and had to leave the university. Now my family considers me a dropout and failure, the subject of philosophy can’t be spoken in the house because it thickens the air with irritation and awkward silences. To top it all off I couldn’t get medication for depression for the longest time because of the pandemic, and I just fell into major depression. I felt that life was useless and whatever I tried to do what I love, was always met with harsh criticism fueling my depression.
Now I’m ‘stable’ mentally or at least feel better. I’m back to studying art and the philosophy of art behind everyone’s back, by myself, and looking for a college that offers studies online where I can learn without anyone noticing. Hopefully, I will be able to get a degree that way and get the sense of accomplishment that I want. I know that I can’t concentrate and focus on anything but even if it takes a lifetime, I will try to achieve what I love.
Thanks for reading until the end, I just wanted to get this off my chest.
